Say It Once and Say It Right

I recently had an epiphany with my 13 mos old. When I worked as an educator, my mentor always told me that in discipline, it was imperative to only say things once, then hold space and silence, while firmly waiting for the child to follow through with an action. In the classroom, that was easy, as I didn't experience the emotional connection - taking things personally! - that I do with my son.

As usual, easier said than done.

Lately, my son has been throwing his bottle across the room when he is done drinking, to which I respond by explaining to him that if he is finished he may hand me the bottle or set it aside gently. This didn't solve the problem because he kept doing it.

One day I observed my husband in the same situation tell my son to please pick up the bottle that he threw. To my surprise, my son actually did it. This got me thinking.

The next day, after he threw his bottle, like clockwork, I told him to please bring me the bottle, but after he didn't run to do it within a split second, I repeated myself. And then I said it again. And then again. With each repetition, the agitation in my voice became clearer and clearer. My son just looked at me and smiled.

What was I doing wrong? And, perhaps even more importantly, or at least, equally importantly, what message am I sending my son by repeating myself over and over and allowing him to still not listen?

By doing that, I'm teaching him that my words have no weight. But in reality, why should I repeat myself? If I believe, myself, that my words hold weight then saying something once should be enough, right? And then I remembered my mentor's advice. I think this is a practice outlined in Montessori philosophy, however it seems universal to me.

So today, I tried this approach in two different situations. And it worked.

EXAMPLE 1: Son threw his bottle across the kitchen when I handed it to him (I thought he was thirsty and wanted it because he pointed to it). I made eye-contact with him and calmly yet firmly told him, in a neutral tone, "Please pick up your bottle." He stood there. I stood there. We looked each other in the eyes. I allowed a few seconds to pass (a few seconds is a long time!), and then.. lo and behold, he went to pick up the bottle. When he did, I told him if he didn't want it he may hand me the bottle to put away. When he did so - and gently - I thanked him for doing so.

EXAMPLE 2: In the bathroom, the air freshening spray was left in a place that he could reach. He grabbed it, but I didn't want him to play with it, so I made eye contact with him and asked him to please hand me the air freshener, it's not safe. He looked at me. I looked at him. A couple seconds passed. He smiled...and finally handed it to me.

Each time, as I waited for him to do what I had asked, I didn't move from my spot and I didn't lose eye contact with him. I think this is important in sending the message that we mean what we say.

Too often in the past, I would tell him something, but be preoccupied with something else. How could I expect him to take my request seriously, if I couldn't even take it seriously enough to focus on it for but a few seconds?

Next time, I'll remember, to say it once, and say it right.

Dena

A Dilema in the Bathroom - on realistic expectations

CONFESSION TIME
I have a confession to make. Sometimes, I yell at my 13 month old son when does something - or is about to do something - I don't want him to do.

Example: When I'm in the bathroom putting on makeup or using the toilet (Don't judge - haven't we all been there? Most of us? Some of us? Anyone???), my son likes to play with the screw that holds the toilet to the floor, and sometimes it gets loose. That grosses me out, and I just don't want him playing with it. Other times, he likes to open up a cabinet (the one we didn't put baby locks on) and take things out that are either breakable or dangerous. In an effort to control him and train him to do the "right" thing, I get frustrated that he doesn't "listen" to me, and instead does what he wants (i.e. play and explore with the things around him). And it is in this situation that I sometimes find myself yelling at him firmly, "No! Don't touch that!"

The result: He begins to cry that hurt and scared cry (not like the hungry or tired or I-bumped-my-head cry. This cry is different). I feel guilty and upset at myself for my reaction. I go back and forth in my head, "But I need to pee. But he wants to be with me. But I have to pee sometimes. But he doesn't want to be alone at the exact moment that I just happen to have to pee."

I'm realizing that to be a conscious parent requires being present, which requires letting go.

SELF REFLECTION
If I look deep down, I find that when I yell at him, I'm not really reacting to him. What I'm really reacting to is fear. Fear that he's not listening to me and thus not "turning out okay." Fear that I'm not in control. Fear that I can't catch a break, not even to pee. That's me living in my head instead of being present.

Letting go of set outcomes (such as assuming and deciding that my son should be able to discern between a large screw and some other cool-looking but more appropriate toy) and really listening to our children and our experiences is key when it comes to being present.

Sometimes, in a moment of frustration, it's hard to remember who our children really are. Take a moment when your child is sleeping or playing or laughing to really look at him. See him through the clearest vision possible. Hear his breathing - yes, he is, in fact, breathing - remember, after all, he is a PERSON! Just like you and I! Allow yourself to fall in love with him in true acceptance for the being he is - a beautiful being, at that!

Phew, now that we've gained some perspective, let's explore some solutions.

SOLUTIONS

BE REALISTIC: Perhaps allowing him in the bathroom when I'm using it is not realistic since I can't guide him properly and fairly. How present can I really be with him if I'm trying to do something else at the same time? While it's a seemingly nice and seemingly sensitive notion to allow your child to be with you as much as possible, ask yourself if that problematic situation is really that possible?

EVALUATE THE ENVIRONMENT: Is my environment "babyproof"? Is it fair to expect him to refrain from doing the things I don't want him to do? "Distractions" such as strategically placed toys are no guarantee that your curious little one will stay on task because children love to explore their environment. Exploration and curiosity are actually a very important qualities to nurture as studies show that these traits lead to strong problem solving skills and general success in life. Why would I want to discourage such traits?

IT'S NOT ONLY WHAT YOU SAY BUT HOW YOU SAY IT
Now, let's address the issue of TONE OF VOICE, since we won't always find ourselves in prefect, ideal realistic situations and fair environments.

I urge you to practice using a NEUTRAL TONE OF VOICE when addressing and instructing your child. In my experience as an educator, I found that my tone of voice really made the difference between children doing things out of fear (fear of "punishment" - remember, disapproval is a form of rejection which can feel like a punishment) and children doing things driven by a strong sense of self. Using a neutral tone of voice allows us to communicate life principles to our children without any judgment or manipulation.

Using a negative tone of voice - such as sounding upset or disapproving - teaches the child conditional love which then creates fear. When children fear our disapproval, they will hide behaviors from us, and their actions will be driven by insecurity rather than a secure sense of self. This then leads the child to be outwardly regulated versus being driven by true self-regulation.

Using a positive or exaggerated and artificially happy tone of voice can be just as harmful as an angry one. It's the flip side of the above with basically the same outcomes. Again, it's about guiding our children with life principles, not through our subjective emotions and views of the world. Additionally, using an artificially happy voice consistently teaches our children to be inauthentic. After all, our children learn through what we model.

Also know that using emotionally charged - whether artificially happy or disapproving and angry - tones of voice creates distrust in the parent-child relationship, which is anything but healthy.

THE "N" WORD
And lastly, let's address the first word in my yell: NO. When we use the word "NO" so darn often, we diminish the true meaning of "no," in turn, desensitizing our kids to it. We ought to save "no" for moments that truly warrant such strong language, like emergencies or situations needing extreme discipline and extra firm communication.

BACK TO THE BATHROOM
Regarding my personal example of a problematic situation, I am re-evaluating my bathroom time. When I need to be in the bathroom, for whatever reason, I will let my son know that I'm going there and will return shortly. If he doesn't follow me, then I'll just close the door and do what I gotta do.

For the instances where he will follow me, I must have the cabinet babyproofed. It's just not fair to expect him to not open it nor is it fair to train him arbitrarily against opening it. Regarding the screw...no more ex"screw"ses. That needs fixing. Until then...I am making a vow to address my son with patience, respect, and dignity in a neutral tone.

All in all, we must have realistic and fair expectations of our children, no matter what situation or environment we may find ourselves in. Keeping this in mind helps us to address them with dignity and respect.

Continue the discussion...Comment below!

A Conscious Parent

Open up and hear - feel your child!
We miss out on the true beauty - that is our actual children as individual human beings - when we are so attached to outcomes. This attachment drives us to mold our children into something. It's what creates inappropriate expectations that are disconnected from true love and respect.

Children are not lumps of clay to shape and mold! They are not our personal outlets for artistic expression nor are they our projects.

They are souls in bodies that deserve care and love and truth, dignity and respect!

Being a conscious parent means approaching each situation, experience, moment with that mindset - it means being aware of our children and seeing them for who they really are.

Together, let's build a toolbox that will help us achieve such consciousness. This toolbox will develop and manifest into a culture - and eventually collective consciousness.

Imagine...imagine the possibilities in a world drive by such a culture...

It IS Within Reach!

I've heard more than one person knee-jerkingly respond, "Well, that's too big for me," or "That sounds too hard to attain," when I've said that I really try to live consciously. What is it about that general description that is so intimidating? When and how did the word CONSCIOUSNESS take a back seat in our everyday vocabulary and our daily lives?

Perhaps that is a discussion for another time...perhaps the answer doesn't even matter.

What does matter is what you choose for yourself at this very moment in time. My choice is to live consciously. Does that mean I always am on my game every second of the day? No. But I can tell you that believing in myself - and in the innate ability that we all have within ourselves - helps me keep sight of the fact that living consciously - and PARENTING consciously - is within reach.

It may take a lot hard work and a lot of breaking down barriers within our minds and past belief systems. It may take discipline to slow down our pace and allow ourselves to take things in, and it may take bravery to take a hard, honest look at ourselves. Through it all, at the end of the day, I firmly believe that it is within reach for any parent who so chooses to be A CONSCIOUS PARENT. In this blog, I will explore different tools we can all access and utilize to aid us in maintaining consciousness throughout our parenting adventures.

Believe!