A Dilema in the Bathroom - on realistic expectations

CONFESSION TIME
I have a confession to make. Sometimes, I yell at my 13 month old son when does something - or is about to do something - I don't want him to do.

Example: When I'm in the bathroom putting on makeup or using the toilet (Don't judge - haven't we all been there? Most of us? Some of us? Anyone???), my son likes to play with the screw that holds the toilet to the floor, and sometimes it gets loose. That grosses me out, and I just don't want him playing with it. Other times, he likes to open up a cabinet (the one we didn't put baby locks on) and take things out that are either breakable or dangerous. In an effort to control him and train him to do the "right" thing, I get frustrated that he doesn't "listen" to me, and instead does what he wants (i.e. play and explore with the things around him). And it is in this situation that I sometimes find myself yelling at him firmly, "No! Don't touch that!"

The result: He begins to cry that hurt and scared cry (not like the hungry or tired or I-bumped-my-head cry. This cry is different). I feel guilty and upset at myself for my reaction. I go back and forth in my head, "But I need to pee. But he wants to be with me. But I have to pee sometimes. But he doesn't want to be alone at the exact moment that I just happen to have to pee."

I'm realizing that to be a conscious parent requires being present, which requires letting go.

SELF REFLECTION
If I look deep down, I find that when I yell at him, I'm not really reacting to him. What I'm really reacting to is fear. Fear that he's not listening to me and thus not "turning out okay." Fear that I'm not in control. Fear that I can't catch a break, not even to pee. That's me living in my head instead of being present.

Letting go of set outcomes (such as assuming and deciding that my son should be able to discern between a large screw and some other cool-looking but more appropriate toy) and really listening to our children and our experiences is key when it comes to being present.

Sometimes, in a moment of frustration, it's hard to remember who our children really are. Take a moment when your child is sleeping or playing or laughing to really look at him. See him through the clearest vision possible. Hear his breathing - yes, he is, in fact, breathing - remember, after all, he is a PERSON! Just like you and I! Allow yourself to fall in love with him in true acceptance for the being he is - a beautiful being, at that!

Phew, now that we've gained some perspective, let's explore some solutions.

SOLUTIONS

BE REALISTIC: Perhaps allowing him in the bathroom when I'm using it is not realistic since I can't guide him properly and fairly. How present can I really be with him if I'm trying to do something else at the same time? While it's a seemingly nice and seemingly sensitive notion to allow your child to be with you as much as possible, ask yourself if that problematic situation is really that possible?

EVALUATE THE ENVIRONMENT: Is my environment "babyproof"? Is it fair to expect him to refrain from doing the things I don't want him to do? "Distractions" such as strategically placed toys are no guarantee that your curious little one will stay on task because children love to explore their environment. Exploration and curiosity are actually a very important qualities to nurture as studies show that these traits lead to strong problem solving skills and general success in life. Why would I want to discourage such traits?

IT'S NOT ONLY WHAT YOU SAY BUT HOW YOU SAY IT
Now, let's address the issue of TONE OF VOICE, since we won't always find ourselves in prefect, ideal realistic situations and fair environments.

I urge you to practice using a NEUTRAL TONE OF VOICE when addressing and instructing your child. In my experience as an educator, I found that my tone of voice really made the difference between children doing things out of fear (fear of "punishment" - remember, disapproval is a form of rejection which can feel like a punishment) and children doing things driven by a strong sense of self. Using a neutral tone of voice allows us to communicate life principles to our children without any judgment or manipulation.

Using a negative tone of voice - such as sounding upset or disapproving - teaches the child conditional love which then creates fear. When children fear our disapproval, they will hide behaviors from us, and their actions will be driven by insecurity rather than a secure sense of self. This then leads the child to be outwardly regulated versus being driven by true self-regulation.

Using a positive or exaggerated and artificially happy tone of voice can be just as harmful as an angry one. It's the flip side of the above with basically the same outcomes. Again, it's about guiding our children with life principles, not through our subjective emotions and views of the world. Additionally, using an artificially happy voice consistently teaches our children to be inauthentic. After all, our children learn through what we model.

Also know that using emotionally charged - whether artificially happy or disapproving and angry - tones of voice creates distrust in the parent-child relationship, which is anything but healthy.

THE "N" WORD
And lastly, let's address the first word in my yell: NO. When we use the word "NO" so darn often, we diminish the true meaning of "no," in turn, desensitizing our kids to it. We ought to save "no" for moments that truly warrant such strong language, like emergencies or situations needing extreme discipline and extra firm communication.

BACK TO THE BATHROOM
Regarding my personal example of a problematic situation, I am re-evaluating my bathroom time. When I need to be in the bathroom, for whatever reason, I will let my son know that I'm going there and will return shortly. If he doesn't follow me, then I'll just close the door and do what I gotta do.

For the instances where he will follow me, I must have the cabinet babyproofed. It's just not fair to expect him to not open it nor is it fair to train him arbitrarily against opening it. Regarding the screw...no more ex"screw"ses. That needs fixing. Until then...I am making a vow to address my son with patience, respect, and dignity in a neutral tone.

All in all, we must have realistic and fair expectations of our children, no matter what situation or environment we may find ourselves in. Keeping this in mind helps us to address them with dignity and respect.

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