Say It Once and Say It Right

I recently had an epiphany with my 13 mos old. When I worked as an educator, my mentor always told me that in discipline, it was imperative to only say things once, then hold space and silence, while firmly waiting for the child to follow through with an action. In the classroom, that was easy, as I didn't experience the emotional connection - taking things personally! - that I do with my son.

As usual, easier said than done.

Lately, my son has been throwing his bottle across the room when he is done drinking, to which I respond by explaining to him that if he is finished he may hand me the bottle or set it aside gently. This didn't solve the problem because he kept doing it.

One day I observed my husband in the same situation tell my son to please pick up the bottle that he threw. To my surprise, my son actually did it. This got me thinking.

The next day, after he threw his bottle, like clockwork, I told him to please bring me the bottle, but after he didn't run to do it within a split second, I repeated myself. And then I said it again. And then again. With each repetition, the agitation in my voice became clearer and clearer. My son just looked at me and smiled.

What was I doing wrong? And, perhaps even more importantly, or at least, equally importantly, what message am I sending my son by repeating myself over and over and allowing him to still not listen?

By doing that, I'm teaching him that my words have no weight. But in reality, why should I repeat myself? If I believe, myself, that my words hold weight then saying something once should be enough, right? And then I remembered my mentor's advice. I think this is a practice outlined in Montessori philosophy, however it seems universal to me.

So today, I tried this approach in two different situations. And it worked.

EXAMPLE 1: Son threw his bottle across the kitchen when I handed it to him (I thought he was thirsty and wanted it because he pointed to it). I made eye-contact with him and calmly yet firmly told him, in a neutral tone, "Please pick up your bottle." He stood there. I stood there. We looked each other in the eyes. I allowed a few seconds to pass (a few seconds is a long time!), and then.. lo and behold, he went to pick up the bottle. When he did, I told him if he didn't want it he may hand me the bottle to put away. When he did so - and gently - I thanked him for doing so.

EXAMPLE 2: In the bathroom, the air freshening spray was left in a place that he could reach. He grabbed it, but I didn't want him to play with it, so I made eye contact with him and asked him to please hand me the air freshener, it's not safe. He looked at me. I looked at him. A couple seconds passed. He smiled...and finally handed it to me.

Each time, as I waited for him to do what I had asked, I didn't move from my spot and I didn't lose eye contact with him. I think this is important in sending the message that we mean what we say.

Too often in the past, I would tell him something, but be preoccupied with something else. How could I expect him to take my request seriously, if I couldn't even take it seriously enough to focus on it for but a few seconds?

Next time, I'll remember, to say it once, and say it right.

Dena